ode to one's self

chosen paths lead to different lives
hampers certain unions, aims for
individuality. freedom? aloneness.
neither wished for. but the
gamble initiated shall be recognized.
void of emotions, numb..empty even
immersed in self-loathing
liking one's self to the souls inside the
limbos of dante's hell
amidst these fires and pain and hell-hole
must go on. must move on..must.
oblivious of the throbbing inside one's head, just always
remember that after each ache, there's always, always reprieve.

another dream

i dreamt of my ex bf last night. what is this with all these dreams? i again was awaken around 4am just as my ex plopped himself beside me and dru.

let me start over...in my dream, dru and i were gazing at the sky, watching the clouds go by..picturing shapes and images. there was somebody else with us but i can't remember who. not even the gender. then suddenly here comes my ex. he was talking stuff about us getting married and such. and then he plops himself beside me to prove a point and boink! i woke up. i didn't hear the rest of what he was saying.

hmmm... is this desperation crying out?

dream 2

i dunno if the dream i had last night was a continuation to the previous dream i wrote about...but...around 4am, i again was woken up. and this time i know the reason. i was surprised. i actually felt myself move. and i actually felt (well, of course it felt that i actually felt) those lips grazing mine. gawd! i must really be desperate. for me to actually wake up coz of that?

yet...it was the sweetest kiss...soft, gentle...when i realized it was a dream, i was actually
disappointed. i wanted it to be real. it felt so real..

it was a guy's lips..and the face...the guy had such a sweet, kind face. who could he be? i can't pinpoint his nationality. but he was handsome. ;> am so deluded..hehe

uprooted

that is the feeling i have had since we broke up. uprooted.

a friend of mine likened my situation to a plant being uprooted from the pot it has been in for the longest of time. yes, i was in a pot. it was a small world but i was content. until i had to grow and the pot remained the same. naturally, when i grew, i would need a bigger pot but the pot refused to grow bigger. it remained stubbornly small. thus, here i am now, in the process of being transferred. i am still there hanging with roots showing, waiting to be replanted. i hope this time, i would be placed in a beautiful garden. a garden full of blooming flowers, a garden full of fresh vegetables.

i can just imagine this beautiful garden. with butterflies so colorful around...with bees buzzing...with the sun smiling brightly on it, sorrounded by neatly stacked white picket fences.

it just makes me smile. this, for now, is my happy place. i am awaiting to be in this beautiful colorful garden.

dream

i was awaken at around 4am. i woke up feeling lacking.

i think it was due to my dream. i was on the verge of seeing the face of my new partner, my new love interest. when the person was about to look around and i would be able to discern the face, i suddenly got awaken. by what i don't know. to think i haven't even realized yet what the gender is. it made me sigh. knowing the gender would somehow make it easier for me to be on the look out ;> so i'd know if i should be expecting a woman or a man.

they said that dreams are the manifestations of your wishes or fears. i do hope that that particular dream was not of fear. i don't wanna fear love. love is beautiful. so it's probably a wish. that i am wishing to find a new love. so easy to say ;> finding a new love. but i guess, so hard to do. thing that frustrates me is, i don't even know the gender. what am i now? am i still a lesbian or was i really heterosexual, i just got lost for a while? i don't really know. the last relationship i had was with a woman, for almost 7yrs. i thought it was gonna last til my forever but well, apparently not. now, when i think of dating a woman, i cringe. when i think of dating a man, i cringe even more.

so im probably not ready yet to even be thinking of dating. after all, i (the leaf) just left the tree and no gust of wind forced me to do it.

temporary relief

i have exchanged emails with my ex (yes, ex. after almost 7yrs) and somehow i feel relieved. but i know this is temporary because i know i am still in the process of grieving. i still feel the bitterness and sometimes i release it out there..to ex. to friends. to fb. to twitter. mostly to twitter because i know ex does not have twitter. so basically, i feel free shouting out what i feel to total strangers. since i know even if they judged me i wouldn't care. maybe not that i do not care but prolly because i wouldn't get hurt. even if they tell me to shut up, it would be okay. after all they are strangers.



nway, now i am beginning to really believe that saying that old people from my country have that the 7th year is the make it or break it year. so in our case, well, obviously...



it makes me sad to think about what we had...but the thought of what we still could have saddens me even more. i know my ex loves me. it's just not probably enough to include my son. yes, i have a son. but thing is, ex has known about this ever since and well, now ex said the responsibility is too much. i can;t really fault ex, after all my son is not ex's son.

it's just sad. so sad. i feel so broken inside but of course i have to have this strong facade, that everything's alright. for my son. for my sanity as well.